are you so shy because you have an std?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
