I want you more than these girls want KFC
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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