I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
