Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
