apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The adults are the big ones right?
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