I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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