i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
