Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
