It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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