How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
