I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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