Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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