Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
