The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
