She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
im holly from the hills drunk
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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