I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
