YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
