You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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