2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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