And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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