i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
