You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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