Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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