i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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