he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize