You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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