I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
