I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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