dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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