Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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