The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
