Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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