I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Less talking, more tequila
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
