Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
