The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
