Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
