What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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