I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
