the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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