It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
