My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
