I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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