Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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