Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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