he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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