omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
