My liver just broke up with me...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
