every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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