I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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