if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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