he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
