how can u be prego again
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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