My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
