Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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