My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
