seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
