Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
